Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor." This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy."

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You're in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don't do it! It's not as good as your favorite.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!." Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you'll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people's attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.

changed March 3, 2008